Monday, March 15, 2010

about last night...

There are a lot of firsts in dating: first date, first kiss, first boyfriend. But it's rare you have a first at 35. I can say that yesterday, I did: I made my first police report about a harrasser.

Things started harmlessly enough: log onto Match, read email, reply to email, repeat. After a month or so of completing this series of actions with a guy I will forthwith refer to as Psycho Cheapo (or PC, for short), I gave him my number and told him to give me a call.

Maybe a couple weeks went by, and I didn't hear from him. Happens -- or doesn't -- all the time.

Then last week after work, I get a text from PC asking if I'd like to meet for a drink. I did.

We met at Union Hall for one drink. For the first 10-15 minutes, he talked exclusively about himself. But after a few sips of his screwdriver (and, by the way, who in this day and age orders a screwdriver? Besides an adolescent asking for what she thinks is a fancy drink at her cousin's bat mitzvah or an octegenerian who can remember these as the hip drink in the 50s?) he relaxed a bit and we talked about the trials and tribulations of dating and Match.

After a pleasant hour of conversation, he admitted he had made an escape plan in case this didn't go well. But he wanted to see me again. He asked if I'd go out with him again and I said yes, but he said I probably wouldn't tell him no to his face so to text him if I really wanted to.

I texted him I wanted to and after a few back and forths, we made plans for an early dinner Sat night.

Sat rolls around and we're in a Nor'easter. While I typically don't give out my address this soon, he offered to pick me up for dinner and I took him up on it due to high winds and rain.

This date started as awkwardly as the last, with strained conversation and nervous laughter. But everything gets better with a drink, so after a trip to the bar, the walls broke down a little and chatter was easier. Until... it wasn't.

We again talked about dating, but got into it a little more in depth this time. I mentioned I've only gone out with about four people on Match in the past year I've been on it as I prefer dating people I know/am comfortable with. I mentioned I have a lot of guy friends and sometimes in the past it's just been easier to drink from that well. And I started laughing as the big running joke with two of my guy friends is that I'm sleeping with both of them (I am not, in fact, sleeping with either of them. Or ever have. Or ever will. Or have even kissed either.) He asked why people think this and I said because of how much time I spend with them, because of jealous ex'es and because, in reality, many people don't think men and women can be friends.

Then he started attacking me.

PC: You HAVE slept with them.
Me: No.
PC: You have. I can see it in your face.
Me: No.
PC: Then you want to sleep with them.
Me: No. I if I wanted to, I would have. Guys are easy.
PC: Then you're jealous of women they sleep with.
Me: Again, no, we're friends.
PC: Maybe you should have more female friends.

At this point, I became visibly angry.

PC: You look like you want to punch someone.
Me: Yeah, you.
PC: Why?
Me: You're being judgemental and attacking me.
PC: What? Me attacking you? No I'm not, just playing devil's advocate.
Me: That's not what you're doing.

He apologized he came across that way and moved onto another topic: Sex.

He talked about how the last woman he dated couldn't orgasm with him. He apparently asked her what gets her off and she wouldn't tell him so it didn't last long. (No pun intended, but now that I think about it...)
Then he says to me: so what gets you off?
Me: None of your business.
PC: Why? It's not like it's a personal question. Everyone orgasms.
Me: My middle name is not a personal question. Where I work is not a personal question. What makes me come is.
PC: But I'm asking because I want to know.
Me: You don't need to know so I'm not telling you.
PC: I might need to know.
Me: I doubt it.
PC: Come on, you can't blame me for asking.
Me: But I can for insisting I tell you when I've already said I don't want to answer.
PC: Cmong, just tell me.
Me: NO!

Fortunately by now dinner is over, and the check comes, so I pull out my wallet and ask how much I owe. He tells me not to worry about it.

We get in the car and when he drops me off he asks:
PC: So, will you see me again?
Me: Not sure.
PC: Why, are you still mad about dinner?
Me: Yes. You made me uncomfortable.
PC: I was joking with you.
Me: It wasn't funny. Anyway, good night.
PC: Aren't you going to invite me up?
Me: No.
PC: Well that's fucked up.
Me: No, it's not, I barely know you.
PC: I would never do anything inappropriate or that would make you uncomfortable.
Me: You being in my apartment would make me uncomfortable.
PC: But it's early.
Me: Doesn't matter, you're not coming up.
Me: Thanks for dinner.

Happily, I plop down on my couch and watch House. My phone beeps as I get a text from him
PC: I want to reiterate... im sorry if i offfeded u. That wasnt my intention.
Me: Thanks. I get now that it wasn't.

Fast-forward to 2:27 Sunday. I'm minding my own business, cooking a kick-ass pork carnitas tacos recipe I got from the Times. I get a text that will set off 3 hours and 16 texts that lead to me calling the police. NOTE: what follows are texts verbatim between PC and I taken right from my phone, so please excuse any grammatical issues, foul language and general idiocy.

PC, at 2:27: My buddy. Want to c a movie?
Me, at 2:44: No thanks.
PC, at 2:45: So. R u saying ur not interested in hanging out again?
Me, at 2:49: Yes. based on last night I don't think it would work out.
PC, at 2:51. K. Send the twenty bucks for dinner. I dont appreciate being used. U didn't even offer 2 buy back.
PC, at 2:53: I will come 2 ur place to ask for it if u need me 2. I want my money!
PC, at 3:01: Its the principle. Gals like u going out to get free dinners from guys is fucked up. I want my money. I will get my money!
Me, at 3:01: 1st I offered you $ for dinner & you ddn't take it. 2nd i did not use you - i had fun at union hall but you attacked me last night and made me feel bad.
PC, at 3:05: I didnt attack u! I was joking! I told u! I cant handle someone who doesnt get humor. I dont like being used.
PC, at 3:06: By the time dinner was over u new u werent interested so u should have the rite thing n insist that u pay n b honest about it.
PC, at 3:07: U shouldnt take ones money when u no ur not into them! Thats bullshit! Plz just send me the money n b done with this.
PC, at 3:10: [Gives me his full name and address] Plz send a check or money order. Or i will come 2 [my address] to ask in person!
Me, at 3:10: give me your address and I'll send it as i don't want you coming here for it. And don't text me again after.
PC, at 3:12: Ok. Just did. Next time treat people with decency n consideration. U r entitled to nothing just cuz ur a gal.
SA, at 3:31: i'm sending you the 20 tomorrow as you are threatening me and i now feel unsafe. Now leave me alone.
PC, at 3:16: Its my money! I am entitled to it. N i said i would come there n ask u for it. Not a threat!
PC, at 3:24: K. Send the money n that will be the end of it. No reason to feel unsafe! Im not malicious, Shark. Just really felt used.

At that point, my heart was pounding, I felt unsafe and was concerned he'd come over to get his money. So I pulled out my wallet, pulled out an envelope, and decided to pay him so he'd leave me alone.

After that, I talked to a close friend, checked email, and it calmed me down a bit.

Then I got angry. Who the hell does this jackass think he is? He acts like a, well, jackass, and then expects me to go out with him because he paid for dinner? Or worse, sleep with him? I can pay for my own fucking dinner, dipshit, and would have prefered to stay hime alone and order in rather that go out with you to "use you" for dinner. So you know what I did? I sent him a text about last night...

SA, at 4:50: You know what. Screw this. You were a jerk and made me feel bad. So i don't owe you another date or money. come near me or my place & I'll report you.
PC, at 4:51: K. Report me. Still need my money. I'll explain that to the police!
PC, at 4:54: U were the jerk who took money from someone she wasn't interested in. Send the money! Its my money!
PC, at 4:55: U felt bad? Poor baby! Still dont have a rite to steal from people! So cheap n selfish!

I also called the cops to find out my options harrassment. I told them the story and they suggested I file a report. So I did. They also said if he contacts me again to report him again, and if he comes here, to call 911. This was at 5pm last night. Haven't heard from him since 4:55pm yesterday. But I didn't sleep well. And may revoke my Match membership today.

SO I now have another reason of why I find it easier to drink from the friend well - at least I know the're not cheap, threatening psychos.


  1. what a crazy story! he is a psycho cheapo. sorry that you had that experience this weekend. totally creepy. i like how you're turning it into something though. i look forward to reading more of your blog :) and hope he doesn't bother you anymore.

  2. Having issues with comments I think, but thanks, ccnyc. As of Tuesday morning I have not heard another peep from him. Hopefully threatening to involve the police scared him off and he'll leave me alone. Debating telling match about this guy so he doesn't bother others, but if he gets kicked off and assumes it's me, I may hear from him again. Thoughts?

  3. Hmmm...I've been thinking about this. I probably would contact Match if he got in touch with you again. I assume that they have a policy for how they deal with these things? Anyway, that's my two cents.